COLUMBUS, OH -
According to multiple sources, a human being who will never truly find happiness has decided to switch majors for the fifth time in the sad person's three years at Ohio State. The change will reportedly be from Hebrew to food science.

According to sources, the decision is only one in a string of choices within the joyless existence of the poor soul here at Ohio State. In 2011, the person with several broken relationships began as an English major. The wretch who will lead a life full of unchecked misery then changed areas of study to food science, then "exploration,"  then food science again, and then Hebrew before deciding once more to return to food studies.

Sources close to the shell-of-a-human-being, who will die unloved after a directionless life full of poor decision making, indicated that the decision to switch majors was not final, and that the perpetually depressed person would probably sleep on the decision. At the time of this article, the miserable soul had decided to, in fact, not switch majors and instead cancelled the advisor appointment before replying angrily to an innocent text from a friend.