COLUMBUS, OH -
According to an official OSU statement, a scraggly-looking man carrying a tattered backpack full of old textbooks walked out of a bathroom in the wee hours of the morning yesterday on the fourth floor of the 18th Avenue Library in a very confused state. Unable to provide a valid BuckID, the man was taken into custody by campus security and was later interrogated for trespassing, as he clearly looked like a homeless man who should have been out wandering High Street. Investigation from the Ohio State police revealed that the man was actually 41 year old Michael Simon, an Ohio State Electrical Engineering student who had been reported missing in early April of 1993 and presumed dead, as his body had never been found.

Claiming he had a physics test to go to, Simon initially resisted arrest and was told that he’d have plenty of time to learn things after being sent to prison. After providing a since-expired driver’s license and explaining his story, the befuddled campus police claimed they had no choice but to believe him. Simon’s parents Jim, 74, and Beth, 72, were flown to Columbus to identify their son, which they did with a mixture of happiness and panic.

“We’d already collected life insurance on him, and it was barely enough to pay off his student loans,” grumbled Jim Simon. “Not to mention, I finally helped my wife get over his ‘death’ to move to Florida with me, and that took years. Now what’re we supposed to do with him? There’s a legitimate chance I’ll kick the bucket before he graduates.”

Since its opening in January of 1993, many students like Simon have used the 24-hour access to the 18th Avenue to study late and then take a quick nap before an exam. Unfortunately for Michael, a junior at the time of the former SEL’s opening, his physics studies had bored him into a 20-year long slumber.

Though his story is incredible, it doesn’t seem to surprise many of Ohio State’s current engineers. As 5th year senior Jacob Bloom explained, “Given how incompetent the OSU Police were in finding Bigggggg Mike, it completely makes sense that they’d overlook a student who fell asleep in the corner of the library for 20 whole years.”

When asked how they could have overlooked the smell of someone who’d been laying in the library without showering for so long, a spokesperson replied, “That smell could’ve been any computer science major.”