COLUMBUS, OH -
After years of constant belittling from the Ohio State student body, North Campus-based dining is finally striking out. Subtle attempts at dominating the population through food poisoning and elongated wait times from the PAD have thus far proven unsuccessful, and through a statement uncovered behind NoCokitchen lines, we have learned that a series of missiles is now poised to unload upon all of South Campus.

 These missiles appear to be loaded with food waste, and will rain sloppy terror from above, with the potential to flood into the tunnels connecting the basements below South Campus. While North Campus sources indicate that the desired primary target is the Marketplace on Neil, experts have informed us that there is actually very little chance that these missiles could make a launch that could even reach Kennedy Commons. Kennedy Commons’ own student managers also dismissed the idea that their beloved K-Comm could sustain any damage, though they admitted that they are taking standard precautions and that their state-of-the-art LEED-certified food waste processing system is primed and ready for action at all times.

Off-campus dining options are concerned as well. FormerEastern ally in providing food to drunk students after midnight, Raising Cane’s, said that the North Campus actions were “completely psychotic,” and that they expect to ally more closely with South Campus late-night options from now on, also reminding us that the Taco Bell on 10th and High now takes BuckID.

Attempts to reach The PAD for comment were met with a 45 minute long outdated hold message and an estimated delivery time of 2 hours, at which point we gave up.

Update: Thursday North Campus missile tests were unsuccessful.