COLUMBUS, OH -
 In what historians are already calling the “Buckeye Civil War” and “absolutely pointless,” OSU’s ROTC students met the school’s marching band in a bloody, Napoleonic battle on Ohio State’s famed central commons early this morning.

While many of the details surrounding this unprecedented event are still being uncovered on the battlefield, over 230 casualties have been confirmed so far – nearly all of which are marching band members. In addition to the fallen band members, other casualties suffered include 2 ROTC students (both friendly fires) and one squirrel. While experts are still trying to piece together the causes of the battle, their official explanation as of this report is “Wha…What the hell?”

One surviving ROTC student shared his perspective following the deadly conflict: “They were on the oval; we were on the oval. I’m not sure why it happened but we both just decided ‘This is our turf,’ you know?” The student, who wished to remain anonymous in the face of what is sure to be countless civil and criminal suits, seemed completely unharmed physically at the time of his interview. “Their trumpets kinda hurt, if swung well. Pretty much everything else was either too small to hurt, or too big to wield properly.” Added the ROTC student, “That’s probably why we won, and also because we had guns. Like, lots of guns. And they had no guns. This was really stupid.”

While no band members were available for comment – as most were at the very least incapacitated – the band itself released a statement offering condolences to the families of the fallen, also adding that band tryouts would begin next Friday.