COLUMBUS, OH -
With an overwhelming majority of the students that utilize Ohio State’s Dining Services realizing that they’ll finish the semester with an excess of blocks, upperclassmen living off campus have begun asking their friends who still live in dorms to allow them to use some of the extra blocks in lieu of having to go buy groceries like a normal adult. And while most of these transactions are peaceful and mutually beneficial, it has spawned a terrifying and parasitic underground in which blocks are the prime currency.

Yesterday around 8:00 in the evening, a young OSU security officer was preparing himself to approach three young women standing outside the Union in short, tight party dresses, expecting to write them up for underage alcohol consumption or something of that sort. But before he could reach the group, a nervous-looking boy who was not dressed to go out at allwalked up to the girls and after a short conversation brought one of them inside the Union. Having actually undergone investigative training but unsure of what to do next, the skeptical officer began to tail the couple and ignore his normal duties.

What he found was unsurprising. The boy used a couple of blocks to buy a late meal for the two, and they sat down and ate. After finishing, the two walked over and headed back up to the boy’s room in Baker West. Realizing he now still had nothing to go on, the officer sat down on the curb outside Baker and began contemplating his career choice. A little over 3 hours later, the girl from earlier walked out of the dorm with a PAD pizza box, and came over to the officer, asking if as a university employee he was on a meal plan by any chance. Quickly picking up on what was going on, the officer asked a few sneaky questions and then placed the girl under arrest.

Backup was called in to find the other girls from outside the Union, who after questioning admitted to running a program where in exchange for a few blocks worth of food, the girls would provide sad and deprived college freshman boys with their first kiss. The Chief of OSU Police promptly released everyone involved, including firing the officer who’d originally arrested the girls.

An offer of blocks in exchange for an interview with the girls in question was met with immediate disgust and remarks as to how collectively ugly our staff is.