Urban Meyer Steals 15 Recruits From NFL Draft
New York City, NY - In a move that shocked everyone outside of the Ohio State world late Thursday afternoon, Urban Meyer walked out of Radio City Hall in New York with around 15 hulking men in tow, leaving in his wake dozens of slack-jawed NFL executives. Among those boarding a plane back to Columbus with Meyer were Georgia linebackers Jarvis Jones and Alec Ogletree, Alabama running back Eddie Lacy and cornerback Dee Milliner, Florida defensive tackle Sharrif Floyd, Texas A&M offensive tackle Luke Joeckel, former LSU cornerback Tyrann Mathieu, and Ohio State defensive tackle Johnathan Hankins, whose neck was tightly in the grip of Coach Meyer all the way into the plane.
“Coach Meyer had to remind me that I couldn’t just be a three-and-done in Columbus. I’m not allowed to call it a career at Ohio State until we win a national championship,” sobbed Hankins, upon returning to Columbus. “My multimillion-dollar paycheck has to wait.”
“That’s right,” added Meyer, slapping Hankins on the back. “Joeckel here doesn’t care if he happens to get injured and wreck his professional chances; he’ll be doing it for Buckeye Pride. Who knows? He might be the first person to be a top-5 draft choice twice!”
Other players sounded much more ecstatic than Hankins.
“Man, I just can’t get enough of winning national titles,” said a beaming Eddie Lacy. “Coach Meyer’s a genius, and I know we’re going to just take it all next year.”
“I hear Columbus got some good dope, I mean, is a pretty dope place,” added Mathieu.
The Ohio State football team is still reeling from this recruiting haul, and feelings are mixed. With Braxton Miller seemingly the only one with a secure job, the rest of the team isn’t sure what to think. “Yeah, we’d love to win a national championship, and I’m sure the whole student body would love to see it happen too. But honestly, I’d like the chance to actually get to play a little bit. Short of injuries, I’m not sure I’m ever going to get on the field again,” complained linebacker Ryan Shazier.
Other Big Ten coaches were also less than pleased, as Brady Hoke is threatening to “...eat Urban Meyer” the next time they face off. Though with this new Ohio State roster, it sounds like there’ll be virtually no chance of that ever happening.
We contacted Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith to ask how much these high-caliber players would raise student ticket prices, but we didn’t have enough of a credit line to pay him for an answer.